Its been haunting me for a couple of weeks now. The lunch I had with my parents the other weekend. I think it was because my daughter was with us, and I can see how her reactions are so much like mine.
My parents are nuts. Completely nuts. They bicker with each other constantly over anything and everything and it’s exhausting. It sucks the oxygen out of the room and squeezes you right out of existence. They criticise everything. Whatever you do or say is wrong. Whatever it is you’re doing, you should be doing something else. Whatever it is you happen to like, you ought to like something else. They give lectures and monologues and don’t let you get a word in edgewise, and then claim that the other one isn’t giving you a chance to answer. ”Well, I…um…”, is about the only thing you can mange to say before getting cut off and interupted, only to have the conversation go in another direction. Every move they make has to be a big production.
Watching my daughter react to this routine was depressing. She was just as effectively shut down and steamrolled as I always used to be. There was no room for her to express herself, for her to be herself. It became disturbingly clear to me how she would be fated to develop the same problems that I did if she were left to be raised by them.
My sister is somehow able to handle it. She knows to speak loudly and insistently, and is always ready with a comment to fire back at them, something critical and incisive that can actually put them in their place for a few seconds before they go back to attacking each other. But it’s no wonder she’s never wanted to have a family of her own.
This must be the reason why I have the self-negating voice in my head that I call my twin brother Charles (he sometimes leaves comments on my posts around here). For so many years now, whenever I’ve been around them I’ve been so busy dealing with my kids or with the tension between my parents and my wife that I’ve forgotten about the dynamic I was subjected to for my entire childhood and adolescence. But this time, with Lisa at home and only my daughter there, the memories came roaring back. Now I truly understand why Charles is my constant grim companion.
The thing is, I’m really very lucky to have them as my parents. They love me with all their heart and soul and have always been there for me. And I them. They’ve stayed together for almost 50 years now when from the very beginning most saw them as an odd couple that would surely divorce. In so many ways I’ve hit the genetic lottery through the accident of my birth. In addition, they’re one of the most socially functional couples you could ever meet. They’re always the life of the party, have countless friends, some of them as close as siblings, and are continually making new ones. They know how to behave around company. But if you’re a relative rather than a friend, the dynamic between them sucks. It’s just unbearable to be around, and over time will guarantee some nasty consequences if you’re a child growing up in that environment.
A strange contradiction indeed. But I guess families are like that.
January 8, 2009 -
Posted by
Richard Whackman |
family, life, psychology |
family, family dynamics, Imaginary Friends, life, people, personalities, stories |
6 Comments
Parents can really do a number on their kids. Good and BAD.
Wow. That sounds like a dinner with my family. Both sides, double whammy. I am similar in that I shut down, and rarely defend my likes, ideas, beliefs, whatever. I just sit and stare, until someone asks me what’s wrong, which I generally answer, ‘Nothing, I’m tired.’ I find the more I defend myself, the more drama there is, and I try to avoid drama at all costs. Ahhh, and this is why I feel SO happy to live in another country for four months. It’s unfortunate, but I’m so much more productive and happy in general. Blah… that’s depressing.
This is more-or-less precisely why my son meets or talks with my family very rarely indeed. A’s parents are fine.
My father still has the power to make me feel like I’m six years old. Often he ‘goes off on one’ as we call it and has been known to rant for about an hour. It can be very daunting to face him in one of those moods. Families, eh?
Meleah – We both seem to share a similar, and very good, relationship with our Dads. I don’t mean to depict either of my parents as monsters. You know what I’m talking about, right?
S.O. – Sorry to bring you down. This is often my place to vent.
P.L. – At least one side of the family is functional.
Selma – Gosh, a whole hour! Now you’re making me feel better – mine usually run out of steam after about 15 minutes. Or I figure out how to excuse myself.
Yes. I do know what you are talking about.