…AND THEN MY UNDERWEAR SPOKE TO ME

They call it “intimate apparel” for good reason.  Underwear is up close and personal, all right.  Making the right choices in this department, I’ve learned over time, is important.   

Way back in the day I was a jockey kind of guy.  You know, “tighty whities”.   Some say you can find out a lot about a person from the kind of underwear they have, and indeed a girlfriend of mine revealed to me that she used to bet with her friends about what kind of briefs different guys wore.  Apparently she had miscalculated about me on that count.   

I’m happy to say that long ago I switched to boxer shorts.  It was one of my smartest moves ever.  Overnight, my world was transformed.  I found myself more relaxed, happier.  I smiled more.  Those jockeys were just too tight, and in being so had been making me uptight.  What a great decision that was!   

I’ve now found myself with an underwear drawer full of choices.  Rest assured, they’re all boxers – but now, thanks to my wife, I have a selection of different colors and patterns.  Two in particular are a little embarrassing.  One is red and has hearts all over it, the other is white with red lipstick marks, as though the wearer had been kissed all over their nether region.  Not a bad implication, now that I think of it.  I only wear those on the weekends to prevent any of my colleagues from catching a glimpse of them when I’m in the “executive washroom”.   Hails of derisive laughter at my expense aren’t exactly something I aspire towards.  Others have snowflakes on them (only suitable for the winter?) or cars (why?) but most, I’m happy to report, are plain, boring white. 

I know I’m not the only one with underwear on the brain:  Walking past me and the kids last night on the way to the laundry room, L was pulling her shirt down in a largely vain attempt to cover herself.  I sang out that old ditty of Howard Stern’s, “Thong tha-thong thong” which everyone found quite amusing.  I just can’t hold myself back these days.     

After a hard day of making big decisions about how to deploy “other people’s money” (Ouch!  I just dislocated my shoulder from patting myself on the back so vigorously) I found myself gazing into my underwear drawer.  “Which pair should I wear tomorrow?”, I asked myself.  After a lightning quick calculation, I decided white it would be.  Another decision made. 

It was hardly the high point of my evening.  That was easily the time I had playing various board and card games with my daughter.  Still, for that brief couple of seconds, it was almost as if my underwear had spoken to me.